ugh...yuck

I haven't been on this bitch for centuries. Went on a little trip two weeks ago. It wasn't too much of a vacation but atleast I had the opportunity to get the hell out of here and interact with a normal human being. There are going to be some huge changes for me in the near future.

On a side note...   Once a self-proclaimed lesbian decides to fuck a straight man, is she technically no longer lesbian? Second question... What do you think about women who proclaim to the world that they're lesbian, but then once the doors are closed, they are too quick to "switch teams" again?! I wonder whether the title "lesbian" is being misused by a certain percentage of females.

I'M A WOMAN

Wad

So I'm sitting in my bed (Indian-style). I look down and I notice a huge wad of cathair sticking to my hooha.                                                                               
                                                                                   WHAT                         




                                                                               THE    FUCK.

My booby-bear loves yarn

The more virginized I become... the more I stop giving a shit about life. I used to always shave...  now I do it every other week (in my defense, i use an epilator so I don't have to groom that often). I used to take showers every day. Not anymore, I usually skip a day during the weekend since I'm not doing anything but just laying around studying. My unibrow is growing in. I usually would never let that happen... but I don't give a shit if I'm walking around looking like Bert and Ernie's baby sister. There are no hot guys here to impress. I don't even care about washing the drool off my face when I wake up early in the morning and walk my dog. I'll strike up a conversation with my neighbors just b/c it's funny how they act like they don't see drool on my face. It's so easy to see on brown skin so I know they see it.

Ichthyosis update..

AmLactin is my freaking life saver! I've been using this for almost a week now and my legs are barely unrecognizable. The fissures are almost gone. As for my hips?--the keratinized "scales" have almost totally disappeared. The area remains dark but the unsightly scales are actually gone. The dorsum of my hands remain dark but the "pre-scale" fissures have almost disappeared. I'm so ecstatic that this actualy worked. I don't have health care and since the IV was spreading.. I went into panic. I wasn't sure if I could find a remedy for the vulgaris but I'm glad I did. I would post pictures up but I'm not in the mood to fetch my camera. I will post updated pictures this week. Stay tuned.

Funday

I'm on the balcony enjoying the 60deg temps (hence, the whiskey sour).

It'll be in the 50s all week long.

..completely bipolar weather..

This is why I love Denver.

Wailin Jenny's are 'THE SHIT'!

I attended a Wailin' Jennys performance today. These women (plus Moody's brother who's plays violin) are phenomenal! They have their own unique singing styles ( Heather has a very bluesy soulful voice, Ruth has a celtic voice, Nicky  has an angelic voice). Their voices are so crisp during liver performance. If I entered the concert hall with my eyes closed I would have assumed a CD recording was playing. Their voices are blissful and I almost jizzed my pants at the sound of their voices (yeah.... seriously). These ladies are legit! This was their first time in Denver and I'm excited to know that they'll be back again in the near future. I would upload my pics of them on stage but the concert hall did not allow flash photos so the photos I've taken of them are not good quality (used my pocket cam). If these women are ever in your area.... please do yourself a favor and check them out!

My self-diagnosed Ichthyosis vulgaris.

I always assumed that I had dry skin. That was, until I moved to Denver. The climate is so dry here... it caused the vulgaris to become unleashed. I have no idea if this is hereditary and I mistook my IV for dry skin. I'm not sure if this is acquired (which is caused by systemic disease... which is not a good thing!). All I know is that my scaly, keratinized layers haven't been shedding and so the scales are becoming more pronounced. I moisten my skin constantly (between classes, etc.). This pics are pictures of my skin while it has been moisturized. The leg fissures are hideous but--as of now--they only affect my lower leg. I'm afraid my skin will tear so... as I mentioned before...  i moisture constantly. Now that I know what it actually is...  I understand that moisturizing isn't enough. My skins inability to shed it's corneum stratum means that I need an alpha hydroxy acid in order to assist with the skin shedding process. I bought some AmLactin today and I hope I begin to see some improvement in my skin condition in the future weeks to come. My hands are beginning to feel and look overly keratinized (it's dark appearance and rough texture). Hopefully my hands wont turn into full blown "fish scales" as my waist has.

Life sucks

“Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day --you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.” --Denis Leary

 

Standards

Message to females: Any sign of kindness that's directed towards a male will come off as "I want to get boned by you... no matter how disgusting your face & gut is." End of story.


I just got off the phone with a creeper.
It perplexes me. Why do ugly guys assume they have a chance with bangin' girls?! How do they have the courage to hit on pretty girls? Who's filling their heads up with this garbage?   I'm never going to do anything nice for an ugly guy (which is most males that I encounter)...   ever again. I'm not going to laugh at their jokes, give them directions, make eye contact, tell them they have ketchup on the corner of their mouth, let them borrow my eraser during class, address them by their name...      
I'm not going to do anything but give them all blank stares when they try to approach me. I'm not doing this anymore. I refuse to be insulted by their presence. Do I look like I date ugly dudes?...   I'm not the compassionate, crusader-of-the-fugly. That's not me. I'm off the clock. Leave me alone. I'm done. It's time that I brought you back down to YOUR level.

It pisses me the fuck off. I want to throw a brick at someone's head now. ugh. I'm incredibly annoyed because this shit happens to me ALL of the time. I meet a guy (classmate, new neighbor etc.). I try to be nice by making small talk and giving them my phone number (if they're apart of my study group or if I try to setup some puppy play time). It never fails. They always turn out to be creepers. And of course non of them are hot. I've been divorced for over a fucking year...    haven't found 1 boneable male yet. This is un fucking real. It pisses me off. I'm the creep magnet and it enrages me because I haven't seen any hot guys since being here....  yet I get hit on by creepiest individuals. I just want ugly people to stop having babies. It should be a sin. Ugh.

I'm not a superficial person and I'm incredibly realistic about my looks (as well as, other people's looks). So why can't ugly people be realistic about theirs?

If only.

I kid you not...    I'm a virgin again (my future boy toy is in for one hell of a ride!)! If I didn't have morals, I would have definately taken a trip to Dubai... and I would have definately offered my services to richies for large sums of cash & cocaine. I hate not being a skank.

Optimism. What is that again?

I could really use a stimulus package right about now.

You got jokes... huh?

I love when my neighbors tell me how well-behaved my dog is. This is cue for me to say, "I beat her." That's when the awkwardness begins. They stay silent for a few seconds and wonder how they'll respond to such a confession. They make an attempt at deliberate (to theirselves) if I'm joking or not. Then they slowly laugh as an initiation of a response... while nervously waiting for me to laugh with them. I usually stall the laughter for a few seconds in order to perpetuate the creepy, awkward feeling. Then I finally explode into laughter. That's when the neighbor relaxes...  makes a sigh of relief... and we carry on our conversation. Funny part is that I never once tell them whether I'm joking or not. Assumptions are crazy, huh? lol

This is depressing.

I developed a special rule last year. That I would not buy flowers for myself (unless I decide to pot some plants for the summertime as my balcony decor). My reasoning behind it is that men should shower me with flowers. I shouldn't have to buy them for myself... like a loser would. I go shopping every week and I always fall in love with the flower displays that are placed right in front of the grocery store entrances. Although I'd gawk at the assortment of beautiful flowers for a good 5-10minutes, I'd stick to my promise of not buying flowers for myself and proudly walk away. I figured that only a weak person would buy flowers for themselves. A strong, independent woman wouldn't be caught dead buying them for herself. Apparently, my knight in shining armor has a late arrival date. Two weeks ago, I caved in to desire... and placed my loser potted flower in my shopping cart. I made sure I hid it behind a plethora of food items so that other shoppers wouldn't point and laugh at me while I wandered the aisles. I'm not the type of person who'd wave their single status in the air as if it were a rainbow flag and I was in a gay pride parade. I'm not a flamboyant-bachelorette. I'm sort of in the closet still. Anyhow, I take my loser plant home with me...  two weeks later...  THIS is what I have:

A DEAD ASS FLOWER PLANT.

Lesson learned... 

I'm never buying my own flowers again

I'm sure this is a sign from the Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster.

I fucked up.

Screw my life

This weekend was amazing. Denver experienced 50-60deg weather (our outdoor pool was in good use). I went to the country western bar and had a chance to walk out of the apartment wearing no sleeves (see my pic below). Then Monday happened. Monday brought back winter. It's -13deg right now. I'm actually glad we didn't get any serious snow. It's just SUPER cold. It'll begin to warm up again by friday. We have bipolar weather so I'm looking forward to spring weather in the next few days... which is why I love this place so much. Freezing cold for a few days... then all of a sudden you're outside checking the mail in your boxers. I almost forgot my point of this paragraph. I have to walk my dog now...    in the -13deg temps. I don't feel like saddling up for this. I have to get dressed and put on all my weather gear. Then I have to put my dog's boots & coat on. ugh. FUCK. All I want to do is brush & floss as quickly as I can and fall asleep for a few hours. It's already fucking 1:15am. I am trying to fall asleep before my usual 2:30am. Not sure if I'm going to make curfew. We'll see.

being a female is kicking my butt right about now

Feels as though my uterus is being strangled by a cord, right about now. I wont be suprised to find it sitting in the upright position right beside me, all while saluting, once I do wake up "tomorrow morning" (few hours from now). I think I've popped too many advils today and yesterday but I don't give a rats ass about my organs... so I'll make sure to take another 800mg before bed (whenever that is).

I had the time of my life.... okay. Not really.

Current News Bulletin:

• My weekend turned out to be eventful. Met up with a neighbor of mine and ventured out to the country bar/club. We hit it off pretty easily. Just kept chatting the entire time without any of those awkward "I don't know what to say" moments. It helped since the club was not very packed or exciting that night. Of course we pregamed with some whiskey sours as we watched our bichons play.

• My cat is beginning to squat when he using the toilet. I am onto the second phase of toilet training. I have covered the opening/bowl with plastic wrap & poured some little on top of it. This way, he has no choice but to squat. There's no bowl for him which eliminates the chance of him placing his feet inside the bowl while he's urinating/defecating into it. No stinky feet to clean. I like this phase. Unfortunately, i had to lock him in the bathroom for an entire day because he refused to use the toilet with the plastic wrap over it. Eventually he caved in (if he had an accident on the floor he would suffer my wrath) & squatted as he is supposed to.

• I had a strange dream Sunday night. I dreamt that I received an actually apology email from the ex. The type of apology that I've been secretly wanted the entire time I've been here. I'm guessing that I'll never get the closure that I want (which is killing me inside.. hence, the dream) & that he'll continue to be 'sorry' for all the wrong reasons. It'll always be in the back of my head but I know that it's time for me to become realistic about life and each person who plays (or once played) a role within it.

• I had a weirdo dream last night. I was trapped in a Resident Evil-type of environment. There were hideous, flesh eating creatures everywhere. They were extremely sophisticated beings. I was battling (with guns etc.)( a creature, who eventually clawed my arm. I knew that I was infected with his flesh-eating virus and I would succumb to the infected within minutes. I did not want to transform into the undead so I decided to become a martyr for 'the cause' and go down in battle. I threw my guns down onto the ground and grabbed my hunting knife from a holster which I wore. I found a lonesome creature and I began to dig the knife into him, while dragging the knife down his flesh in order to create some fatal wounds in him. As I'm in a rage & stabbing my way through him, he grabs my knife and guts me with it. Sure, I was knifed to death. But in retrospect, my death was a success. He did not eat me to death. Therefore, I died without becoming an undead, flesh-eating creature.

• I am still a virgin. This causes me to be an extremely hormonal she-creature... so Beware!

Rough ride

 I questioned each and every thought that entered my brain. I despised each and every word that slipped from my mouth. I wasn't sure  how realistic my thoughts were. It seemed muttled and uncertain. According to him, I was an unrealistic & unworthy humanbeing. Not good enough to carry simple dialect with him (or with anyone else for that matter). I was not good enough to be able to think clearly & independently.  I was out of line for feeling hurt, lonesome, frustrated, angry... to him, it was all irrational & I was doing it just for show. My crying spells were unnecessary... irrational. I wasn't supposed to feel the hurricane of emotions that I did experience while married to him. I was wrong for feeling that way I felt... selfish. I was miserable, socially-awkward person, as he called it. According to him,, I was cold-hearted and unable to relate to people. He made me question my sanity. I was broken. He made me believe that he was the only person who actually understood me. Worst of all, I was unable to understand myself. He was my savior. I was the mentally disturbed, worthless, idiotic, brokendown individual.

 I lacked a solid support system throughout life which, I believe, made me a perfect candidate to become victimized.

Psychological abuse... manipulation.. emotional invalidation...   crazy-making behavior--something he's entirely guilty of.

He made an attempt at discrediting me (two days ago).  This was his latest attempt (of several... way too many to count) since I've been divorced from him. He tried holding my character for ransom.

Although he once had a manipulative spell 'cast' upon me. I'm not longer paralyzed by this invalidating/intrusive/conniving methods. I'm not longer his 'deer in the headlights'. I'm no longer the guinea pig that he would probe and prod every chance he could get. It puts a smile on my face to know that I finally had a chance to make him feel like the jackass-idiot that he is.

Unfortunately, he's created a forever-lasting impact on the way I view people and I've lost much of my belief in human-goodness.

I just hope I never fall prey to such psychological injury. Once was more than enough.  Recovering from this has been incredibly rough. I never want to go through this again.

I would love to disappear off the face of this earth. Make a new beginning on pluto.

I have been stood up today, for the fifteen millionth time since being in Denver. I can't handle this type of disappointment any longer. It's happened to me on SO many occasions that it has forced me to reconsider staying here in Denver. I have no choice at the moment. I am still set on attending Nursing school at UCD by next year January. I will have two years of schooling, once I am accepted. I'm not sure where I want to move to once my 4yr degree is finished. I've been here for a year now and I haven't gained any hangout partners during my stay. I'm done with this place. I have set my sights on Canada. The question is... which providence? I'm not sure. I plan on visiting Italy (once again) later this year... since my past military supervision/friend will be stationed there very soon. My trip to Canada will be in the near future. I need to move somewhere new. Only thing stopping me from visiting a Candian city, is the lack of people to accompany me. I don't want to move back east. There's not much there for me. I need to start planning ahead. I need to run away. I like this place but this move hasn't turned out to be much of an advantage (besides the weather being fantastic).

Why do this to myself?

I'm not sure why I'm still "lending" myself to my ex. I can still recall my time in Las Vegas. I hit rock bottom once I arrived to the "armpit of America" (Vegas). I left my friends in Germany behind & I was embarking on a new adventure--living with my then-husband as a "real" married couple. The change in environment (workplace & living) ruined me psychologically. As icing on the cake, my husband was not a great listener. He manipulated me ("giggles"... what co-workers & patients of mine called me) into thinking that I was the most wretched, selfish, miserable humanbeing to ever enter his life. There were many days in which I would makes pleas for him to listen to me. Instead of listening, he'd stop me mid conversation and tell me to stop talking because if I had ANYTHING negative to say... he wasn't going to listen to me. He was relishing in his newfound freedom (exited the military) and he did not want me to rain on his party (so I assume). Especially with his many trips he took without me (ex. Australia). It wasn't his fault that I had a full-time job (military) still... right?     Back on track.. my stinky work environment, my stinky new home--Vegas, the lack of friends, my overall lack of having family, and the discovery of my manipulative/invalidating husband...  allowed me to venture off into "crazy" town.

Fast forward. I'm out of the military and living in Denver... divorced. My ex and I agree to be "friends". I'm offering myself to him as a support system. The type of support system that I can only dream of ever having. I'm there for him no matter how shitty he continues to treat me while attempting to maintain a "friendship" with him. I'm not sure why I lend myself out to such an ungrateful person. I don't know why I care. I'm guessing it's because I have no one else to care for while living here. I have no one to be there for me. I have no one offering to drive over to my apartment so they can cheer me up.

NYE

So I refuse to elaborate about my Christmas week "adventures" since I don't want to hurt any feelings. However, I WILL, discuss my NYE plans.

So I had two NYE celebratory plans in mind. 1) hang out at the kick-ass country club that's approx. 5minutes away from me 2)hang out with my new hippie friend who's in Boulder, CO (hippie city). In the end, I chose option #2. I drove up to Boulder (1hr away.. approx) while there was freshly, fallen snow on the ground. I was optimistic that I would have a good time. She told me that a ground of her friends had some "big" plans. Me... not having friends after living here in Denver for a year... believed it. I meet her 3 room mates for the first time that night and they seemed pretty normal... but goofy people (like me). I am dressed it this "fuck me right now" dress and I am so excited that I'm actually going-out this NYE (I was alone last year and it was one of the worst days of my life. I would've blew my brains out if I had the guts to do so). There are only 2 sober people within our group and I just happened to be one of them. The sober people agreed to be DD only TO downtown... in order to save money on taxis.

 I have my friend and one of her guy roommates in my car. He's sitting in the backseat of my car and he's pretty brain-fucked off of alcohol at that point. He's feeling up on my shoulders while i'm driving but I decide to ignore it b/c he's a big-headed (literally) dork who was probably too fucked to know what he was doing. I'm driving along and I decide to turn on my Cd player. Country music is playing in the background and I decide to not skip to the next disc. Well, this guy decides that it's in his best interest... to inform me of how much he hates country music. He does such a swell job at informing me of this fact... that he begins to insult my taste in music by mocking every single word the musician was singing. It erk'd (annoyed) me so I told him to 'quit it'. His tyrads were so distracting, I couldn't hear my friend's directions ( i didn't know how to get downtown since I wasn't from that city). I soon strike up a conversation with my friend and she asks me about my time in Omaha (where I was stationed a few years ago). As I spoke to her about it, fungus-nuts chimes in on the conversation. Once again, this 33year old "man" mocks my EVERY word and begins to make fun of the fact that I was stationed in Omaha. I WAS NOT having it. Did this guy really think that he could pull-off acting like a 9 year old... while in MY presence! I stopped my car in the middle of a busy downtown road (everybody... and their momma are trying to get to their NYE destinations) and place the car in park. I tell him to, "get the fuck out of my car". I guess he didn't understand how serious I was because of how nice I was to everyone beforehand. Because of this lack of understanding, I repeated myself (to make things clear): "Get the fuck out of my car". He says, "No." As he listens to my seatbelt suddenly unbuckle & my door open... he finally 'gets it'. He walks out of my car and to my dismay, I didn't have to deliver a beatdown that night.

Fast forward now, my friend and I met up with the rest of her gang. They decided that they wanted to stay at some wine bar we initially met at. The winebar seemed like a good idea until arriving there and noticing that: either no one received an invite to the spot or no one within the city likes wine enough to ever visit the damn place. My friend and I decide that we wander the streets alone in order to find an inhabited bar before new years arrived. We find a douchy place to be and within 3minutes of being there... it's New Years and I have no one to kiss. Granted, I'm looking flier than a muthafucker... in my "fuck me" dress... and there's NO ONE...    absolutely NO ONE to kiss. NO ONE to feel on my left boob...   I mean NO ONE. We visit a second bar. It's less douchy than the other... more of a pub feel to it. I literally go on a search (throughout the club) for the "perfect" kissing partner and, to no avail, I only find Jim Beam to be my "soulmate" at the end of the day.

This was a bad day and from now on, I'm doing things on my own terms. It was a bad day and it was a waste of a "fuck me" dress. I could've left my dress hanging in the closet.. in peace.   

One last thing: Don't move to Colorado unless you're not single     or     you're 40+ and single.

Reality bites.

Why do these brainless, gremlin-faced clowns assume that a pretty girl would give them the time of day? Who's filling their heads up with such nonsense? The most brokedown, short, egotistical, wrist-flippin', crusty, crazyeyed, gremlin-faced dudes approach me and I don't have the slightest clue why. Opposites attract but only to a certain extend. Pretty people don't usually call dibs on the first trainwreck they lay eyes on (unless money is involved, of course.). I need these people to stop wasting my time with their unrealistic assumptions.

I hurt feelings... not because I'm a mean person... but because I have to be the responsible and pull these monsters back down to reality. It's my crusade for humanity, I decided. Someone has to do it.