I questioned each and every thought that entered my brain. I despised each and every word that slipped from my mouth. I wasn't sure how realistic my thoughts were. It seemed muttled and uncertain. According to him, I was an unrealistic & unworthy humanbeing. Not good enough to carry simple dialect with him (or with anyone else for that matter). I was not good enough to be able to think clearly & independently. I was out of line for feeling hurt, lonesome, frustrated, angry... to him, it was all irrational & I was doing it just for show. My crying spells were unnecessary... irrational. I wasn't supposed to feel the hurricane of emotions that I did experience while married to him. I was wrong for feeling that way I felt... selfish. I was miserable, socially-awkward person, as he called it. According to him,, I was cold-hearted and unable to relate to people. He made me question my sanity. I was broken. He made me believe that he was the only person who actually understood me. Worst of all, I was unable to understand myself. He was my savior. I was the mentally disturbed, worthless, idiotic, brokendown individual.
I lacked a solid support system throughout life which, I believe, made me a perfect candidate to become victimized.
Psychological abuse... manipulation.. emotional invalidation... crazy-making behavior--something he's entirely guilty of.
He made an attempt at discrediting me (two days ago). This was his latest attempt (of several... way too many to count) since I've been divorced from him. He tried holding my character for ransom.
Although he once had a manipulative spell 'cast' upon me. I'm not longer paralyzed by this invalidating/intrusive/conniving methods. I'm not longer his 'deer in the headlights'. I'm no longer the guinea pig that he would probe and prod every chance he could get. It puts a smile on my face to know that I finally had a chance to make him feel like the jackass-idiot that he is.
Unfortunately, he's created a forever-lasting impact on the way I view people and I've lost much of my belief in human-goodness.
I just hope I never fall prey to such psychological injury. Once was more than enough. Recovering from this has been incredibly rough. I never want to go through this again.
