I questioned each and every thought that entered my brain. I despised each and every word that slipped from my mouth. I wasn't sure how realistic my thoughts were. It seemed muttled and uncertain. According to him, I was an unrealistic & unworthy humanbeing. Not good enough to carry simple dialect with him (or with anyone else for that matter). I was not good enough to be able to think clearly & independently. I was out of line for feeling hurt, lonesome, frustrated, angry... to him, it was all irrational & I was doing it just for show. My crying spells were unnecessary... irrational. I wasn't supposed to feel the hurricane of emotions that I did experience while married to him. I was wrong for feeling that way I felt... selfish. I was miserable, socially-awkward person, as he called it. According to him,, I was cold-hearted and unable to relate to people. He made me question my sanity. I was broken. He made me believe that he was the only person who actually understood me. Worst of all, I was unable to understand myself. He was my savior. I was the mentally disturbed, worthless, idiotic, brokendown individual.
I lacked a solid support system throughout life which, I believe, made me a perfect candidate to become victimized.
Psychological abuse... manipulation.. emotional invalidation... crazy-making behavior--something he's entirely guilty of.
He made an attempt at discrediting me (two days ago). This was his latest attempt (of several... way too many to count) since I've been divorced from him. He tried holding my character for ransom.
Although he once had a manipulative spell 'cast' upon me. I'm not longer paralyzed by this invalidating/intrusive/conniving methods. I'm not longer his 'deer in the headlights'. I'm no longer the guinea pig that he would probe and prod every chance he could get. It puts a smile on my face to know that I finally had a chance to make him feel like the jackass-idiot that he is.
Unfortunately, he's created a forever-lasting impact on the way I view people and I've lost much of my belief in human-goodness.
I just hope I never fall prey to such psychological injury. Once was more than enough. Recovering from this has been incredibly rough. I never want to go through this again.
Saturday, January 08, 2011
Thursday, January 06, 2011
I would love to disappear off the face of this earth. Make a new beginning on pluto.
I have been stood up today, for the fifteen millionth time since being in Denver. I can't handle this type of disappointment any longer. It's happened to me on SO many occasions that it has forced me to reconsider staying here in Denver. I have no choice at the moment. I am still set on attending Nursing school at UCD by next year January. I will have two years of schooling, once I am accepted. I'm not sure where I want to move to once my 4yr degree is finished. I've been here for a year now and I haven't gained any hangout partners during my stay. I'm done with this place. I have set my sights on Canada. The question is... which providence? I'm not sure. I plan on visiting Italy (once again) later this year... since my past military supervision/friend will be stationed there very soon. My trip to Canada will be in the near future. I need to move somewhere new. Only thing stopping me from visiting a Candian city, is the lack of people to accompany me. I don't want to move back east. There's not much there for me. I need to start planning ahead. I need to run away. I like this place but this move hasn't turned out to be much of an advantage (besides the weather being fantastic).
Why do this to myself?
I'm not sure why I'm still "lending" myself to my ex. I can still recall my time in Las Vegas. I hit rock bottom once I arrived to the "armpit of America" (Vegas). I left my friends in Germany behind & I was embarking on a new adventure--living with my then-husband as a "real" married couple. The change in environment (workplace & living) ruined me psychologically. As icing on the cake, my husband was not a great listener. He manipulated me ("giggles"... what co-workers & patients of mine called me) into thinking that I was the most wretched, selfish, miserable humanbeing to ever enter his life. There were many days in which I would makes pleas for him to listen to me. Instead of listening, he'd stop me mid conversation and tell me to stop talking because if I had ANYTHING negative to say... he wasn't going to listen to me. He was relishing in his newfound freedom (exited the military) and he did not want me to rain on his party (so I assume). Especially with his many trips he took without me (ex. Australia). It wasn't his fault that I had a full-time job (military) still... right? Back on track.. my stinky work environment, my stinky new home--Vegas, the lack of friends, my overall lack of having family, and the discovery of my manipulative/invalidating husband... allowed me to venture off into "crazy" town.
Fast forward. I'm out of the military and living in Denver... divorced. My ex and I agree to be "friends". I'm offering myself to him as a support system. The type of support system that I can only dream of ever having. I'm there for him no matter how shitty he continues to treat me while attempting to maintain a "friendship" with him. I'm not sure why I lend myself out to such an ungrateful person. I don't know why I care. I'm guessing it's because I have no one else to care for while living here. I have no one to be there for me. I have no one offering to drive over to my apartment so they can cheer me up.
Fast forward. I'm out of the military and living in Denver... divorced. My ex and I agree to be "friends". I'm offering myself to him as a support system. The type of support system that I can only dream of ever having. I'm there for him no matter how shitty he continues to treat me while attempting to maintain a "friendship" with him. I'm not sure why I lend myself out to such an ungrateful person. I don't know why I care. I'm guessing it's because I have no one else to care for while living here. I have no one to be there for me. I have no one offering to drive over to my apartment so they can cheer me up.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
NYE
So I refuse to elaborate about my Christmas week "adventures" since I don't want to hurt any feelings. However, I WILL, discuss my NYE plans.
So I had two NYE celebratory plans in mind. 1) hang out at the kick-ass country club that's approx. 5minutes away from me 2)hang out with my new hippie friend who's in Boulder, CO (hippie city). In the end, I chose option #2. I drove up to Boulder (1hr away.. approx) while there was freshly, fallen snow on the ground. I was optimistic that I would have a good time. She told me that a ground of her friends had some "big" plans. Me... not having friends after living here in Denver for a year... believed it. I meet her 3 room mates for the first time that night and they seemed pretty normal... but goofy people (like me). I am dressed it this "fuck me right now" dress and I am so excited that I'm actually going-out this NYE (I was alone last year and it was one of the worst days of my life. I would've blew my brains out if I had the guts to do so). There are only 2 sober people within our group and I just happened to be one of them. The sober people agreed to be DD only TO downtown... in order to save money on taxis.
I have my friend and one of her guy roommates in my car. He's sitting in the backseat of my car and he's pretty brain-fucked off of alcohol at that point. He's feeling up on my shoulders while i'm driving but I decide to ignore it b/c he's a big-headed (literally) dork who was probably too fucked to know what he was doing. I'm driving along and I decide to turn on my Cd player. Country music is playing in the background and I decide to not skip to the next disc. Well, this guy decides that it's in his best interest... to inform me of how much he hates country music. He does such a swell job at informing me of this fact... that he begins to insult my taste in music by mocking every single word the musician was singing. It erk'd (annoyed) me so I told him to 'quit it'. His tyrads were so distracting, I couldn't hear my friend's directions ( i didn't know how to get downtown since I wasn't from that city). I soon strike up a conversation with my friend and she asks me about my time in Omaha (where I was stationed a few years ago). As I spoke to her about it, fungus-nuts chimes in on the conversation. Once again, this 33year old "man" mocks my EVERY word and begins to make fun of the fact that I was stationed in Omaha. I WAS NOT having it. Did this guy really think that he could pull-off acting like a 9 year old... while in MY presence! I stopped my car in the middle of a busy downtown road (everybody... and their momma are trying to get to their NYE destinations) and place the car in park. I tell him to, "get the fuck out of my car". I guess he didn't understand how serious I was because of how nice I was to everyone beforehand. Because of this lack of understanding, I repeated myself (to make things clear): "Get the fuck out of my car". He says, "No." As he listens to my seatbelt suddenly unbuckle & my door open... he finally 'gets it'. He walks out of my car and to my dismay, I didn't have to deliver a beatdown that night.
Fast forward now, my friend and I met up with the rest of her gang. They decided that they wanted to stay at some wine bar we initially met at. The winebar seemed like a good idea until arriving there and noticing that: either no one received an invite to the spot or no one within the city likes wine enough to ever visit the damn place. My friend and I decide that we wander the streets alone in order to find an inhabited bar before new years arrived. We find a douchy place to be and within 3minutes of being there... it's New Years and I have no one to kiss. Granted, I'm looking flier than a muthafucker... in my "fuck me" dress... and there's NO ONE... absolutely NO ONE to kiss. NO ONE to feel on my left boob... I mean NO ONE. We visit a second bar. It's less douchy than the other... more of a pub feel to it. I literally go on a search (throughout the club) for the "perfect" kissing partner and, to no avail, I only find Jim Beam to be my "soulmate" at the end of the day.
This was a bad day and from now on, I'm doing things on my own terms. It was a bad day and it was a waste of a "fuck me" dress. I could've left my dress hanging in the closet.. in peace.
One last thing: Don't move to Colorado unless you're not single or you're 40+ and single.
So I had two NYE celebratory plans in mind. 1) hang out at the kick-ass country club that's approx. 5minutes away from me 2)hang out with my new hippie friend who's in Boulder, CO (hippie city). In the end, I chose option #2. I drove up to Boulder (1hr away.. approx) while there was freshly, fallen snow on the ground. I was optimistic that I would have a good time. She told me that a ground of her friends had some "big" plans. Me... not having friends after living here in Denver for a year... believed it. I meet her 3 room mates for the first time that night and they seemed pretty normal... but goofy people (like me). I am dressed it this "fuck me right now" dress and I am so excited that I'm actually going-out this NYE (I was alone last year and it was one of the worst days of my life. I would've blew my brains out if I had the guts to do so). There are only 2 sober people within our group and I just happened to be one of them. The sober people agreed to be DD only TO downtown... in order to save money on taxis.
I have my friend and one of her guy roommates in my car. He's sitting in the backseat of my car and he's pretty brain-fucked off of alcohol at that point. He's feeling up on my shoulders while i'm driving but I decide to ignore it b/c he's a big-headed (literally) dork who was probably too fucked to know what he was doing. I'm driving along and I decide to turn on my Cd player. Country music is playing in the background and I decide to not skip to the next disc. Well, this guy decides that it's in his best interest... to inform me of how much he hates country music. He does such a swell job at informing me of this fact... that he begins to insult my taste in music by mocking every single word the musician was singing. It erk'd (annoyed) me so I told him to 'quit it'. His tyrads were so distracting, I couldn't hear my friend's directions ( i didn't know how to get downtown since I wasn't from that city). I soon strike up a conversation with my friend and she asks me about my time in Omaha (where I was stationed a few years ago). As I spoke to her about it, fungus-nuts chimes in on the conversation. Once again, this 33year old "man" mocks my EVERY word and begins to make fun of the fact that I was stationed in Omaha. I WAS NOT having it. Did this guy really think that he could pull-off acting like a 9 year old... while in MY presence! I stopped my car in the middle of a busy downtown road (everybody... and their momma are trying to get to their NYE destinations) and place the car in park. I tell him to, "get the fuck out of my car". I guess he didn't understand how serious I was because of how nice I was to everyone beforehand. Because of this lack of understanding, I repeated myself (to make things clear): "Get the fuck out of my car". He says, "No." As he listens to my seatbelt suddenly unbuckle & my door open... he finally 'gets it'. He walks out of my car and to my dismay, I didn't have to deliver a beatdown that night.
Fast forward now, my friend and I met up with the rest of her gang. They decided that they wanted to stay at some wine bar we initially met at. The winebar seemed like a good idea until arriving there and noticing that: either no one received an invite to the spot or no one within the city likes wine enough to ever visit the damn place. My friend and I decide that we wander the streets alone in order to find an inhabited bar before new years arrived. We find a douchy place to be and within 3minutes of being there... it's New Years and I have no one to kiss. Granted, I'm looking flier than a muthafucker... in my "fuck me" dress... and there's NO ONE... absolutely NO ONE to kiss. NO ONE to feel on my left boob... I mean NO ONE. We visit a second bar. It's less douchy than the other... more of a pub feel to it. I literally go on a search (throughout the club) for the "perfect" kissing partner and, to no avail, I only find Jim Beam to be my "soulmate" at the end of the day.
This was a bad day and from now on, I'm doing things on my own terms. It was a bad day and it was a waste of a "fuck me" dress. I could've left my dress hanging in the closet.. in peace.
One last thing: Don't move to Colorado unless you're not single or you're 40+ and single.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Reality bites.
Why do these brainless, gremlin-faced clowns assume that a pretty girl would give them the time of day? Who's filling their heads up with such nonsense? The most brokedown, short, egotistical, wrist-flippin', crusty, crazyeyed, gremlin-faced dudes approach me and I don't have the slightest clue why. Opposites attract but only to a certain extend. Pretty people don't usually call dibs on the first trainwreck they lay eyes on (unless money is involved, of course.). I need these people to stop wasting my time with their unrealistic assumptions.
I hurt feelings... not because I'm a mean person... but because I have to be the responsible and pull these monsters back down to reality. It's my crusade for humanity, I decided. Someone has to do it.
I hurt feelings... not because I'm a mean person... but because I have to be the responsible and pull these monsters back down to reality. It's my crusade for humanity, I decided. Someone has to do it.
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